Do You Trust Me?

One of the areas I have struggled with in my recovery is that of trust. My ability to trust others has been shaken a tad. I've been learning some important things though:

The Most Important: I CAN TRUST GOD! He is faithful and He cannot deny Himself. God has provided many opportunities for me to trust Him. He proves faithful time and time again. I am grateful for the grace God has given me to be able to trust Him.

Secondly, I have found my ability to trust other people has been challenged. I find that I do not trust other car drivers very well. Even when riding in the car with friends, I have found my trust in them can be light sometimes. They have not done anything wrong either, it is just my inability to trust.

Thirdly, and an important one, I find that I do not trust myself very much. My confidence has been shaken, so to go out and do some things requires doing it scared at times. That is not all bad, but I do hope the confidence will increase.

I noticed this yesterday when I was riding my bicycle. I've been on my bike only a few times since making my move, and these have been the first times riding my bicycle alone since I was injured.

I am riding by myself and I am riding in the bike lane on the roads near my apartment. When I was out, I came to a stop light, crossed the intersection, and then stopped to be able to make it across the next portion of the street.

The problem was that I would not move my bike. I was at a crosswalk and the light was in my favor, but I couldn't make myself go. There was no traffic. I should have just gone, but I couldn't go. Finally, as the coast was clear, I finally was determined enough to make myself pedal my bike.

I made it across the street and down the remainder of that particular road. As I was riding, and pondering my hesitation, I realized that it went back to the lack of confidence that I had in myself. There was a second street crossing that again challenged me, but I made it across fine. I then rode home and was glad to be there.

The confidence will grow as I am on my bike more often. I want to be on my bike, so I need to work through those fears and insecurities.

I am also looking for bike riding to be fun once again. At this point in time it feels like I have to do more thinking on the bike then I've done in the past. Riding alone is fine, but I miss my friends who I rode with. My friend Sandy was a great communicator to me as we would ride together. When we came to portions in a ride that needed to make a turn, and the view wasn't great, Sandy rode ahead to the turning point and communicated to me if things were clear or not. She was also a voice to help if there were other points in which something needed to be communicated. Sandy was a great riding partner.

Trust is an interesting thing. I am grateful that I can place all my trust in God. He loves me, He cares for me, He provides for me, and so much more.

I love my friends and I am grateful for all they are. They have been incredibly generous, caring, and loving. They are worthy of my trust too.

Why Did You Move?

Why Did You Move? That is a question I have been asked often since arriving in Everett. It was a question that I was asked before I left El Dorado Hills. My answer was: family and finances.

 To move back to Washington state was an opportunity to be closer to my family. Having survived what I survived, was a good reason to look at being nearer to family. So close in fact, that my brother and I are sharing an apartment. As well, our sister lives about 45 minutes away. It is nice being near my family. I have not lived in this area since 1992. I love my family and they are special people.

 The other reason was finances. To move here would lower my cost of living a bit. As well, having a roommate would enable both Jack and me to help each other with our finances. A good thing.

I have come to believe that there has been another reason for my move: Faith. Yes, it has required steps of faith to make this move. To trust God for His provision, care, healing, and so much more. But I think it has more to do with strengthening my faith. There are areas I have needed to trust God with on a daily basis. Fortunately, God is always faithful. I have needed to trust God for many of these same things in my past. God has had me make a variety of moves and to trust Him for a variety of things. The God who was faithful in my past, will continue to be faithful to me today and into the future. Though I do not know what my future may look like, I can trust God that He does. He desires my best, He loves me, He is in control, and so much more.

 Why did I move, you ask? Faith; family; and finances.

THE BIRTHDAY RIDE Today has been a wonderful birthday day for me. For my birthday, I decided that I wanted to ride my bike again. I have not ridden my bike since leaving California. As well, I have not ridden by myself since I was injured. That is over 4 years ago. To ride with someone isn't an option right now, as I don't know anyone to ride with. I selected a short route near my apartment. It basically resembled a large square, like going around the block, but bigger. It was about 3-1/2 miles and there are hills on two sides of the route. I chose the route that would enable me to ride down the steepest portion, the ride up the hill I chose was more of a good incline. It took me about 25 minutes to go my route. I'm not fast on my bike, but I am on my bike! I was excited (I left earlier then I planned), I was a tad nervous, and I was a little chilly too. The ride began in the cool weather, but I warmed up quickly on the ride. One fear was to not be able to ride the entire route, as I'm not in great shape right now. That wasn't a problem, though I had a game plan: to get off my bike and rest, if I did. I did need to stop by my apartment when I returned, as I needed to wait for some cars before crossing the street. No problems there, and then I made it back home. It felt good to be on my ride. There was one area on the route where I needed to be extra careful, due to large trucks/semi's parked on the side of the road. There is enough room for the trucks to be there, but they did take up my bike lane. I needed to make my way into the car lane to avoid the trucks. The bike and I made it by them just fine! I am very pleased with my accomplishment today, in fact, I might just go out on my bike again tomorrow!

NEW BEGINNINGS

New beginnings are interesting, aren't they? They can hold much expectancy, adventure, opportunities, and more. They can also hold much unknown, depending upon the new beginning we have entered into. A week ago I entered into a new beginning that holds plenty of expectancy, adventures, opportunities, and more.

Though new beginnings hold plenty of new stuff, it is not bad because it is new. It is likely to hold things that are different, because they are different it doesn't mean it is bad or wrong -- just different. That can take some getting used to, adapting and adjusting, as well.

On Saturday, January 28 I began a new beginning of living in a new state, a new community, and a new apartment. Each of those new things hold their own level of adjustment and adaptation. I have begun the adapting process and though I have had a hiccup or two, the adapting and adjusting is progressing.

Living in a new state, like Washington, is very different then living in California. The obvious initial difference is the weather. It is cooler and damper here. Now, being born and raised in Washington state, I was fully aware of that difference, but it will take a little time to re-adapt to this change. I do have to say that since arriving the weather has been mostly sunny, partly cloudy, but a tad cooler...enough about the weather.

Everett is a new community to me. It is large: over 100,000 people live in Everett. The layout is different; my apartment is located in a nice area, but there is still much to explore and discover. It is different then El Dorado Hills.

My apartment is nice, but I am sharing it with my brother Jack and his cat, Shade. That too is taking adapting and adjusting. The four of us are doing well and working through the things we come across to work through.

I am in the process of finding a church to attend. This will take some time, but can be a good process to work through. I learned some of the things I am looking for in a church while still in EDH, so I am applying those things here. The church I visited yesterday was nice.

Locating things such as gas stations, grocery stores, and such are on my to do list. I did find a bike shop yesterday that I stopped into. It was a nice store and I was able to get a bike trail map.

God has been faithful to provide for my various needs in the various communities I have lived. God has been and will continue to be faithful to meet my needs here -- because that is who God is -- HE IS ALWAYS FAITHFUL.

NEXT STEP'S LITTLE STEPS

Things are underway to make the big move to Washington. Departure date is Friday, January 27. An apartment has been secured in Everett. My brother will be moving in on the 27th and I will join him on the 28th after arriving in town. Our sister found this place for us, so it will be great to get there and get all moved in.

There are plenty of steps here to take in preparation for the big step of the move. I have been stepping down from my volunteering. Last week I finished serving in the Acute Rehab Unit at Mercy General. That was an incredible opportunity for me. I will miss them. I have finished serving with P.A.R.T.Y. (Prevent Alcohol and Risk-related Trauma in Youth). That too was a tremendous opportunity I am grateful to have had. I have a couple of more opportunities to share my story at MADD's Victim Impact Panel.

The other steps have to do with packing, which is underway. I don't have a ton of stuff, but plenty to keep me busy. Dear friends will be helping me too.

Speaking of dear friends, that will be the hardest part of leaving, I will miss the wonderful people who have been a wonderful part of my life. I have had an incredible opportunity to experience the love, grace, generosity, forgiveness, care, and much more from so many people. I WILL MISS YOU! But please know, that the Seattle area is a great place to visit. Since I have not lived in that area in a number of years, there is plenty for me to discover, so I would love to play tour guide.

Change is hard, but it's not too bad. It takes adapting and adjusting, but good things come in the midst of change. As well, it is good to have faith in the One who never changes!

The Next Step

Throughout this journey along the road of recovery, there have been plenty of next steps. Some of those steps may have seemed small and others have seemed quite large. The next step is quite large.

A few months ago I began pondering and praying about a possible move. Well, a decision regarding a move has been made: I will be moving back to my home state of Washington. Though this is a big move, I am at peace about it and looking forward to being near my family again.

There were a couple of reasons to go in this direction and it was the right direction to take. I will miss living in El Dorado Hills. I have been here nearly 6 years and have wonderful friends, incredible doctors and rehab therapists, I am attending a tremendous church, and I have had some great volunteering opportunities.

My scheduled date of departure is January 27. In the meantime, I am finishing up my volunteering, going through my things: packing, repacking, and donating some items, visiting friends, and I have a things to do before I leave CA list started.

Friends will be making the trip with me, which I am incredibly grateful for.

I will try to keep this blog as updated as possible, as progress to making this next step takes place. Though it feels good to leave, it will also be hard to leave. Living and working here has been a tremendous time in my life. Thanks to all who have been a part of my life here, you have been awesome!

ENCOURAGEMENT

The recovery journey I have been on continues to have it's various challenges, but things are definitely much better. At times it is hard for me to comprehend how far things have come. I have limited memories of when things were quite challenging, and really no memories of when things were at their worst.

There are many things that I am thankful for and encouraged by, they include:
The progress I am able to see in problem solving and decision making. I feel I still have a way to go in this part of recovery, but I have seen progress. I don't get quite as overwhelmed with some decisions to be made or things to figure out, but I keep pressing on.

I have been learning a lot about the waiting process. None of us like to wait, but I am seeing how God is teaching me a lot and transforming me through the waiting. I recognize that not all waiting has to do with me, but there are just some other things that may need to get into place.

I recognize that I do not need to have all the answers, nor to know what is next. There are some answers and some next step things that I am waiting on. That is okay: answers will most likely come (but not necessarily) and when I need to take a next step, I will know what that is and where it is to.

I am thankful for the friends God has given me. This is an area where I have been blessed beyond measure. My friends have been so caring, generous, loving, supportive. grace-filled, and more.

I am also very thankful for my family, but this blog entry is too long, they will get my next entry.