Sunday, June 10, 2012

Do You Trust Me?

One of the areas I have struggled with in my recovery is that of trust. My ability to trust others has been shaken a tad. I've been learning some important things though:

The Most Important: I CAN TRUST GOD! He is faithful and He cannot deny Himself. God has provided many opportunities for me to trust Him. He proves faithful time and time again. I am grateful for the grace God has given me to be able to trust Him.

Secondly, I have found my ability to trust other people has been challenged. I find that I do not trust other car drivers very well. Even when riding in the car with friends, I have found my trust in them can be light sometimes. They have not done anything wrong either, it is just my inability to trust.

Thirdly, and an important one, I find that I do not trust myself very much. My confidence has been shaken, so to go out and do some things requires doing it scared at times. That is not all bad, but I do hope the confidence will increase.

I noticed this yesterday when I was riding my bicycle. I've been on my bike only a few times since making my move, and these have been the first times riding my bicycle alone since I was injured.

I am riding by myself and I am riding in the bike lane on the roads near my apartment. When I was out, I came to a stop light, crossed the intersection, and then stopped to be able to make it across the next portion of the street.

The problem was that I would not move my bike. I was at a crosswalk and the light was in my favor, but I couldn't make myself go. There was no traffic. I should have just gone, but I couldn't go. Finally, as the coast was clear, I finally was determined enough to make myself pedal my bike.

I made it across the street and down the remainder of that particular road. As I was riding, and pondering my hesitation, I realized that it went back to the lack of confidence that I had in myself. There was a second street crossing that again challenged me, but I made it across fine. I then rode home and was glad to be there.

The confidence will grow as I am on my bike more often. I want to be on my bike, so I need to work through those fears and insecurities.

I am also looking for bike riding to be fun once again. At this point in time it feels like I have to do more thinking on the bike then I've done in the past. Riding alone is fine, but I miss my friends who I rode with. My friend Sandy was a great communicator to me as we would ride together. When we came to portions in a ride that needed to make a turn, and the view wasn't great, Sandy rode ahead to the turning point and communicated to me if things were clear or not. She was also a voice to help if there were other points in which something needed to be communicated. Sandy was a great riding partner.

Trust is an interesting thing. I am grateful that I can place all my trust in God. He loves me, He cares for me, He provides for me, and so much more.

I love my friends and I am grateful for all they are. They have been incredibly generous, caring, and loving. They are worthy of my trust too.

Thursday, June 7, 2012

Why Did You Move?

Why Did You Move? That is a question I have been asked often since arriving in Everett. It was a question that I was asked before I left El Dorado Hills. My answer was: family and finances.

 To move back to Washington state was an opportunity to be closer to my family. Having survived what I survived, was a good reason to look at being nearer to family. So close in fact, that my brother and I are sharing an apartment. As well, our sister lives about 45 minutes away. It is nice being near my family. I have not lived in this area since 1992. I love my family and they are special people.

 The other reason was finances. To move here would lower my cost of living a bit. As well, having a roommate would enable both Jack and me to help each other with our finances. A good thing.

I have come to believe that there has been another reason for my move: Faith. Yes, it has required steps of faith to make this move. To trust God for His provision, care, healing, and so much more. But I think it has more to do with strengthening my faith. There are areas I have needed to trust God with on a daily basis. Fortunately, God is always faithful. I have needed to trust God for many of these same things in my past. God has had me make a variety of moves and to trust Him for a variety of things. The God who was faithful in my past, will continue to be faithful to me today and into the future. Though I do not know what my future may look like, I can trust God that He does. He desires my best, He loves me, He is in control, and so much more.

 Why did I move, you ask? Faith; family; and finances.