Do You Trust Me?

One of the areas I have struggled with in my recovery is that of trust. My ability to trust others has been shaken a tad. I've been learning some important things though:

The Most Important: I CAN TRUST GOD! He is faithful and He cannot deny Himself. God has provided many opportunities for me to trust Him. He proves faithful time and time again. I am grateful for the grace God has given me to be able to trust Him.

Secondly, I have found my ability to trust other people has been challenged. I find that I do not trust other car drivers very well. Even when riding in the car with friends, I have found my trust in them can be light sometimes. They have not done anything wrong either, it is just my inability to trust.

Thirdly, and an important one, I find that I do not trust myself very much. My confidence has been shaken, so to go out and do some things requires doing it scared at times. That is not all bad, but I do hope the confidence will increase.

I noticed this yesterday when I was riding my bicycle. I've been on my bike only a few times since making my move, and these have been the first times riding my bicycle alone since I was injured.

I am riding by myself and I am riding in the bike lane on the roads near my apartment. When I was out, I came to a stop light, crossed the intersection, and then stopped to be able to make it across the next portion of the street.

The problem was that I would not move my bike. I was at a crosswalk and the light was in my favor, but I couldn't make myself go. There was no traffic. I should have just gone, but I couldn't go. Finally, as the coast was clear, I finally was determined enough to make myself pedal my bike.

I made it across the street and down the remainder of that particular road. As I was riding, and pondering my hesitation, I realized that it went back to the lack of confidence that I had in myself. There was a second street crossing that again challenged me, but I made it across fine. I then rode home and was glad to be there.

The confidence will grow as I am on my bike more often. I want to be on my bike, so I need to work through those fears and insecurities.

I am also looking for bike riding to be fun once again. At this point in time it feels like I have to do more thinking on the bike then I've done in the past. Riding alone is fine, but I miss my friends who I rode with. My friend Sandy was a great communicator to me as we would ride together. When we came to portions in a ride that needed to make a turn, and the view wasn't great, Sandy rode ahead to the turning point and communicated to me if things were clear or not. She was also a voice to help if there were other points in which something needed to be communicated. Sandy was a great riding partner.

Trust is an interesting thing. I am grateful that I can place all my trust in God. He loves me, He cares for me, He provides for me, and so much more.

I love my friends and I am grateful for all they are. They have been incredibly generous, caring, and loving. They are worthy of my trust too.

Why Did You Move?

Why Did You Move? That is a question I have been asked often since arriving in Everett. It was a question that I was asked before I left El Dorado Hills. My answer was: family and finances.

 To move back to Washington state was an opportunity to be closer to my family. Having survived what I survived, was a good reason to look at being nearer to family. So close in fact, that my brother and I are sharing an apartment. As well, our sister lives about 45 minutes away. It is nice being near my family. I have not lived in this area since 1992. I love my family and they are special people.

 The other reason was finances. To move here would lower my cost of living a bit. As well, having a roommate would enable both Jack and me to help each other with our finances. A good thing.

I have come to believe that there has been another reason for my move: Faith. Yes, it has required steps of faith to make this move. To trust God for His provision, care, healing, and so much more. But I think it has more to do with strengthening my faith. There are areas I have needed to trust God with on a daily basis. Fortunately, God is always faithful. I have needed to trust God for many of these same things in my past. God has had me make a variety of moves and to trust Him for a variety of things. The God who was faithful in my past, will continue to be faithful to me today and into the future. Though I do not know what my future may look like, I can trust God that He does. He desires my best, He loves me, He is in control, and so much more.

 Why did I move, you ask? Faith; family; and finances.